Forgive them father.....

I don't think people understand the special bond or understanding that me and my mother have with one another. Ever since I have been old enough to understand the circumstances surrounding my birth I have felt very blessed to be alive.


One thing anyone has to appreciate about my mother is her candor. That candor is something else but if you come seeking the truth you will find it with her! However, before I had learned this about my mother I had asked her: "if she could do it all over again would she still have had me?" This is where the shit gets real (100% truthful and hardcore) she replies "no!!!" I knew she had a struggle with me but I wasn't expecting that answer, I thought she might have told me that "she didn't know" or flat out lie and say "yes" so that totally blew my mind for about 5 minutes.
To find that out was shocking for me at that age and I'm not even sure if I was shocked because of the answer or shocked because she so boldly told me the truth, its something like a conundrum! I'm not too upset about her answer because like I mentioned before I know her struggle.
My mom had become a teen mom after only one rendezvous with my father whom she hardly knew. Understandable no one wanted my mom to have me and she was going to terminate the pregnancy but my father said that he was going to be there for me (so far that promise has not come to fruition) and for her. So she kept me but she soon finds herself ALONE and pregnant.
So fast forward a couple of months and I had arrived in this big bad world, I was born sick and needed a spinal tap. I had to stay in the hospital either a few days or couple of weeks (i can't remember) but during that time my mom came and saw me every day and nobody offered her or gave her ride to come see me! That's rather hurtful, a new life has been brought into this world and no one celebrates or appreciates this great thing this woman has done or the life that has made it from the other side. How dreadful that is but I'm just one of many children whom no one cared for their arrival and no one cared about the great event the mother pulled off. No one cared except my mother!
After awhile we settled in at my grandmother's but that didn't last for long , my mother was kicked out on her ass with me and our stuff on the streets! I still wonder about this if you loved me or my mother why would you do this? With no place to go my mother calls my father and asks him would he keep me so that I could get off the streets...this punk bastard tells her to call his sister. I get so angry when I think about it because once again I ask the question "if you loved me then why would you let that happen or turn me away?" At that moment he had married an much older woman and I think she was pregnant with my brother and this lady didn't like me or liked the fact that he (my father) had another child. So, I couldn't be with him. Basically my father let some chick rip his balls off and made him turn his back on his own blood!!! If she was any kind of a REAL woman she would have accepted me because he and I were a packaged deal and in the same way if he were a REAL man he would have told his wife he can't let his blood be on the streets!!!
I don't think he knows that I know everything, that when I needed him he turned me away like some beggar in the street! I was a child, an innocent bystander and no one cared , I'm also angry that no one cared for my mom, by all means she was still a child!! A child that had made a mistake and needed help but no one cared all they saw was trouble and disgrace!!! My family is guilty of doing nothing the worst crime of all...doing nothing or not intervening lead to millions of Jews being killed in whats know as the Holocaust!! That's how deadly doing nothing can be!!!
 I greatly appreciate that two of my aunts on my dad side gave me and mom a place to stay for awhile. That's probably why I have such a deep connection with them out of all my aunts.
In the end, that's why I have such a deep loyalty and such profound respect for my mother because she had the courage to keep going and not give me away or end my life. Moreover, the fact that she never let anyone hurt me, as far as I know I have never been molested or mistreated and that means a lot because I don't have any damaging trauma to corrupt me any further than I already am. To be able to grow up basically happy, healthy and loved is by far a enormous feat!!! How could I not have that connection with my mother when I know all that has happened and where I am now? Its truly a blessing.

~forgive them father for they know not what they do~