loneliness

I have never really had a lot of friends and it seems worst now that I am in college than it was when I was in elementary or middle school. I have about 3 or 4 people that I talk to when I'm at school and even then we're not close just acquaintances really except for 2 of them which i call my buddies. I know the disconnect is that I don't live on campus, I'm not catholic and I'm not well off ....it would seem that there isn't much going for me lol except my personality. Hopefully, my personality is enough for those people, love me or hate this is who I am!


Any who sometimes I wish I was Miss Popular just to see how it feels to have connections and to have an abundance of friends to pick from. However I learned in psychology that the most popular people are usually the most unhappy people because they feel as if they don't have any real friends. I can believe this but I also doubt it every time I see a popular person they are always doing something like sports, parties, events, or vacations, they seem happy too! I know better to take their happiness at face value because a person could be smiling on the outside and screaming on the inside.

 So, having a small amount of friends that one can have intimate relationships with are suppose to be the best way to achieving happiness. I wonder where I went wrong? I have one sincere best friend and I love her to death but sometimes that one relationship is not enough. I mean I have a few other friends but our connection has diminished over time, I guess we have grown in different directions.

 I feel a deep loneliness where I crave a connection with another being....it doesn't even have to be human! smh! For awhile now I've been searching and planning to buy a puppy to fill the void I feel inside....its just not a friend im searching for but rather a boyfriend, I never really had a real boyfriend. I mean a relationship with a boy where we confess our undying love for each other and we go out and public and are proud to show each other off and where we go out and we are there for one another. No I'm 22 and still haven't had a real boyfriend experience! I don't dwell on it but i would be lying if I said it did bother me and I cant help but wonder when is it going to happen. Until then I'm going to be the younger attractive dog lady.....now that's a degree of effed-upness!!!